@$#%!

I'm not a cusser. I'm just not. My family reserves Those Words for important uses, like slamming your thumb with a hammer, or dropping the lasagna on the floor when you've got 10 people around the dining table waiting for dinner. Very specific reasons. (also, when/if lasagna hits the floor, after you say the specific choice words, you laugh, apologize for the unladylike language, and order pizza.)

Capt, on the other hand, having been in the Army, and worked in a sawmill, used most (ahem) choice words like I would use salt, pepper, and garlic. Liberally and often. "They're just words" said he. And since he never used the Lord's name in them (he had STANDARDS...Da**it!"), I chose to not worry about it. They are, after all, just words, with culturally imposed standards. I still chose to reserve them for situations that required a bit of emphasis, perhaps a extra push of severity. or blush of just HOW BAD something stinks. 

So yeah, having TWO husbands, men with whom I chose to spend the rest of my life, be removed to their Heavenly reward far earlier than I expected, is, frankly....a shitty situation. Yes. It stinks to me. Not to them, but then they're not the ones stepping in it every day. Oh, I'm sure I will eventually get to the point where I recognize the blessing within it, but today is not that day. God has very good reasons for what He does and I'm not required to know what they are, any more than a 4 year old is required to know why I won't let him eat a 1 pound bar of Hershey's chocolate. Although I'll tell him (It will turn you into a hyperactive jerk), he won't really comprehend what I'm saying. Kind of like God tells me stuff quietly, but I'm a 4 year old compared to God's wisdom, and have to eat the metaphorical 1 pound bar of Hershey's (and it's not even the good stuff. It's not Vosges truffles or MarieBelle. 

One year I got Mom a box of Vosges chocolate for her birthday. Worth. It.

No, it's the cheap and easy-to-find-at-Walmart). God tells me all sorts of things, wise stuff, sensible information, amazing promises...in myriad ways, too. There's this book that's chock-full of stuff He's saying, in lots of ways ranging from "these guys did this and here's what happened" to "look, here's some rules I want you to follow" and other ways of getting a basic point across:

God loves you want wants you to be Holy, following Him with trust and enthusiasm. Joy comes with with it, as a consequence. Also, He's provided a personal Guide.

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all the things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.

John 14:26

Ok, so I see all that and think...right. I *feel* like my situation is uncomfortable, awkward, and Not What I Had Planned. What's uncomfortable is that third bit. Thing is, God had this planned out all along. He knew what I was going to do, if I was going to eat the cheap chocolate and be a hyperactive jerk. But He's also given me a Guide to get through the (ahem)...STUFF (see what I did there? There's always an alternative to cussing) and so I am, as I did after Himself left us, remembering to lean on His promises, to trust in His Guide, and save the choice words for hammers and lost lasagna.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Proverbs 19:21