My new title

 In February of 2015, Himself died suddenly. I had 3 sons in their 20s and one who was 15. It was very sudden and confusing. One of my friends, who understands my dark sense of humor, dubbed me The Widow Dodd How Tragic. Because it was tragic, but she also knew I needed a label that would make me laugh (eventually) and it did.

More recently, as we talked, she said I'm no longer The Widow Dodd How Tragic. I am now The Unflappable Widow Dodd-Tillman. Because I am definitely not flapping around tragically like I was The Last Time.

Sad? Absolutely! Angry? A little bit. Determined? Definitely. And interested to see what the future holds now. 

Capt told me a little while back that when (not if....that bugged me) he died, he wanted me to travel. To see all the places I'd talked about wanting to see. Barcelona, Spain. Crete. Argentina. Well, that's kind of a scary thought. I meant I wanted to see them with HIM. NOT by myself!, He was a spectacular travel companion. Curious, willing to try new foods, humble enough with the locals that he wasn't The Ugly American. Something about his bodacious beard broke the ice with everyone. 

The Last Time, I felt God's presence everywhere. In my grief, I knew He was there. In the confusion of paperwork and legalities, I felt Him. In attempting to establish The New Normal, I knew He was guiding me. That felt good. I wasn't alone. He came along beside me through friends, an amazing attorney, small mental pokes (hey Peggy, you might want to do this....). I chose to be open and receptive. 

This Time, even though I know better what to do and I'm not in an absolute fog, I can feel His presence. Capt's family, a friend who brought me coffee and artisan pizza to the hospital, others constantly checking up...y'all all know you're showing me the love of God, right? #3 son has a really good friend who lives about a mile down the road from me. He has shown up and helped with #4's car (it died an absolute death...it's a $5000 car that now requires $9000 worth of repair). We looked at each other when he offered the help and said "definitely a God thing."

Now, God is perfectly capable of working His ways directly. Look at the Old Testament and Jesus Christ's death and resurrection for that. But He also works through His people. And sometimes through His enemies (He used them all the time when the Israelites were misbehaving). God has surrounded me with people who, through small acts, remind me that He loves me and He is taking care of me. 

I don't know exactly what the future holds. None of us do, really. I am in a blessed lull right now. Nothing can be done legally until the death certificates show up, so I have time to just...be. To get over this stupid head cold, to think about the fun times we had, to praise God for relieving him of the suffering he was dealing with. I am not in a hurry to clear out the closet, or his office. No rush there. Right now I sit here and remember the trips we took, the meals we enjoyed, how much fun it was making plans. 

Psalm 29 is a psalm of King David, about the glory and power of God. He is singing of God's might over all of creation, both on Earth and in the Heavens. The last line of it is this:

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. 29:11

God gives us the strength and the peace to go on, if we allow Him to. I know from awful experience that He is faithful and trustworthy to do just that, even when we aren't perfect. That's the wonderful thing about God.