That Time, This Time

It's different This Time...THIS TIME....how many people say that? It implies there was a similar Last Time situation. Which there was, only not really similar at all, other than the label of Relationship.

Last time, I was with the man for 30 years, raised 4 children.

This time, it was 5 years, no children.

Last Time, we grew up together.

This time, we planned to Grow Old together.

Last Time, I was Housewife and Mother, Keeper of the Keys

This time, I was companion, Bouncer of Ideas

Last Time, he left suddenly, in moments.

This time, he knew, for months, and planned.

Same label, completely different role. 

So yeah, it feels different this time. Himself and I met at 20 (he) and 19 (me). Capt and I were 51(he) and 52 (me), a lifetime's worth of experience and opinion differences.

So the differences are profound. Still painful, but not as confusing. When Himself died, I felt like 1/2 of my self had been ripped away. It took a very long time to get my balance after that. There's no real recovering from it, as that implies a return to normal. There's just getting used to it, that New Normal. It's an appropriate phrase but I haven't decided if I like it or not.

Capt's Home-going (I prefer that to "death") was radically different from Himself's. There was time to plan, even though I thought he was being morbid. Obviously he was right, and thank God he made the plans. The confusion, the What the Hell Just Happened, and What Am I Going To DO...that's not there. It's a whole level of stress and hardship I don't have to mess with. 

You see, Capt knew what I'd gone through after Himself's Home-Going. He didn't want that to happen again. And I am grateful.

Even though I thought he was being morbid. My plans didn't include all that. Mine involved being 80 together and sitting on the front porch, in rocking chairs. Arguing over Gunsmoke or Guy Fieri eating tacos in Cleveland. So much for my plans.

And, while I am a casserole of emotions right now, confusion is not an ingredient. That makes it easier This Time. I am not gobsmacked, just sad, grieving. Missing him but OK. 

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4

I have a widow friend who held my hand Last Time. Her husband had died after a long illness, and she knew it was coming. She told me that knowing that didn't really make it any easier, in that it was still a shock to the system for him to be GONE. I get that now.  Capt was sick for months, in the hospital for a week, and spent 2 days at the end of it, gradually slipping away. I was there, I prayed for him to go easy, and when he took that last breath, it was still a shock. I knew he was walking to that door and fixing to go through. But when he did, it still hit hard. But, instead of begging God not to take him, I praised God for healing him. It was a lot easier than you'd think, but still heart-wrenching, shocking, but strangely not devastating. 

 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. 1 Thessalonians 4:14

This Time, I think I knew what to do. And that has made it an easier load to carry.

I love you, Capt, and I miss you, but I know you're fly-fishing on the warm shores, bare toes dug into the pure sand, singing along with the angel choirs as you praise God, perfected and pain-free. I gotta admit, I'm a little jealous.  See ya later, love.