Mixed feelings

 It's taking longer for the world to wake up, but it's also raining. When I first woke up (yes, plural...kind of like husbands...blerg) at 4:30, it was to the sound of thunder and pouring rain on the metal roof of the house. I rolled over and squinted at the clock, and decided that I'm not an Amish dairy farmer so 4:30 is too early. 5:30 happened and since I kind of love early morning, got up, fixed a cup of fresh and hot coffee (the coffee maker is set for 5:15), and went onto the front porch. It's dark, raining, cool, and kind of perfect. So quiet. No bellowing wrens in hanging baskets, just the soft sound of rain on the leaves and dripping off the roof. And it's dark. It's an hour later now and still dark although the sky is starting to lighten a little. At least I can see the outline of the trees now.

Capt was not a morning person. He liked to stay up until midnight, when he would reluctantly concede that Ok, maybe it's finally bedtime but only because I know you want to sleep. He was kind of like a little kid who complains about bedtime then fall asleep 30 seconds after laying down.

How do they do that?? Himself did the same thing! Head hits the pillow and they're out. It takes me an hour of laying there, counting blessings, reading, counting more blessings (more fun than sheep and puts me in a good frame of mind) and I finally start getting groggy when all those pills (getting old...blerg) start to work. It doesn't matter how late I go to sleep, when the sun comes up, I feel like I overslept. I guess now I can go to bed whenever I want. 9:00, maybe 8:30 if it's been a hard day. I like getting up early.

I learned this after Himself died, that I can choose things without considering someone else's opinion on the matter. Grocery store, gas station, bed time, music, where to put my shoes, what kind of shampoo (I dislike the clutter of a bunch of bottles in the shower)...But...

you know there's a but....

Who do I share a meal with, laugh with, travel with? Who's my dive buddy going to be? Who am I going to show some stupid kitten video? Who am I going to bounce ideas off of, cook for, complain about politics with? Who's going to spot me when I'm bush hogging the field? Who am I going to LOVE? Who's going to refill my coffee cup when I look at it and sigh, with the wordless signal that it needs refilling and gee, I sure hope he'll do it so I don't have to get up?

I'd gotten him a sport kilt and he decided it was perfect for diving. 
Crystal Spring, Vernon, Florida

(The hummingbird is here, quietly chirping, and I hear the wren in the woods)

Being a new widow is a profoundly lonely feeling. I know, I hear people say "But the Lord is right with you!" I know that. I know if He wasn't it would all be a million times worse. I honestly don't know how people without that assurance can do it. But it's still lonely. I know I can still say "Good morning, God!" and He'll send a wren to scream GOOD MORNING back. But I can't hug a wren. I can't ask the softly chirping hummingbird to refill my coffee. I'm pretty sure my dog would if he could but he's only 10 inches tall and doesn't have thumbs. Nope, I have to haul my lazy self out of this rocking chair and do it. 

There are so many mixed feelings right now. Capt was so ill for so long, and now he's not.  He wanted to go Home, and said that many times. Now he has. Now he's not sick. Now he's where he wanted to be, Home. The ultimate and final Home. He's been released from the pain and frustration of this world and won't ever have to deal with it ever again. I am thrilled for him! Truly I am! I think it's absolutely incredible that he is experiencing the result of his relationship with God in it's entirety! 

And...I'm kind of jealous. I felt the same way after Himself died. I want to be there too. And not someday. Now. 

No, I am not suicidal. Don't take it that way.

I'm just...thankful, jealous, selfishly lonely. I'm glad he's there but I want him here. Refilling my coffee. Planning a trip south. deciding between okra or beans in that raised bed. Pork butt or beef ribs on the smoker. Gunsmoke or Diners Drive-ins and Dives on TV. He loved that show. I didn't care if Guy Fieri ate another taco in Cleveland or not, but he loved it. I thought Matt Dillon was the benchmark for Decent and Honest, so I always voted for Gunsmoke.

I want to feel his arms wrapping me up completely and his nose in my hair. He was only slightly taller than I am so hugs weren't at all awkward. And he was a first-rate hugger. And kind of indiscriminate about who he hugged. Are you a person? Then I'm going to hug you...that was how he operated. 

(Hey there, little hummingbird. I'll keep that feeder out for you until you decide it's time to go...)

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God.I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.  

Isaiah 41:10