Nothing-doing

Some days, I don't know what to say. I know what I'm feeling...sort of. Maybe. I think of things I ought to do, or could do, but I'm sort of stalled out. Like...someone hit my pause button. Sit down, Peggy. Be quiet. Stop trying to fill all your time. It's not necessary.

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.  Zephaniah 3:17

But it kind of is, one one level. My upbringing told me that wasting time is...wasting time. Doing nothing when you should be doing something is Unacceptable. So define doing nothing? Is it a visible thing...doing nothing? If I can't point to this or that, and say THIS was accomplished, is that doing nothing? What about thinking, reflecting, being grateful, or sad, or confused, or determined...is that doing nothing because I can't hold it in my hand like a loaf of bread and say THIS was done today?

That's been a real hurdle all my life. Being able to do (what appears to be)NOTHING is not part of my raising. But I'm learning how. I still have to do SOMETHING in order to mentally allow myself to do NOTHING. At least now, however, I don't feel like NOTHING (as defined by my upbringing) is a bad thing. I can sit and think. Meditate. Reminisce. Ponder. It's healing, all that Nothing-doing. 

In Mark 6:30-32, leading up to the bit about feeding 5000 people, Jesus told the disciples "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place, and get some rest." So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place.  

What a comfort, to know God knows we need to sit quietly sometimes, by ourselves, and rest. 

I'm resting right now. The last couple of weeks have been...kind of...harrowing. Confusing, What-the-hell-just-happened-ing. People right and left and all over are offering real help and I'm still trying to breathe. Forgetting to eat (although that's getting better), wanting to sleep. But now, I don't feel so much like I'm standing on thin ice or the edge of a cliff. I'm going to be OK. God's right here with me. 

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you."  Isaiah 41:13