More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5
How much more character do I need? Don't answer that. But if it produces hope, then OK. I'm...here for it.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Hebrews 12:1-3
How big does that cloud have to get? I'm not sure I want to know the answer to that. And yes, I'm tired. But not losing heart.
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Psalm 43:5
I know. God's in this. It's scary. I don't like it. But I can see He's in it.
Every day, I have to approach God and ask for help. I just can't do it alone. I can't think about tomorrow right now. I'm too busy trying to deal with today. Honestly, I'm doing ok. Sometimes it might not sound that way, but really, with God's help and messages from family and friends, I'm doing ok.
When Capt was in the hospital, and sedated, I told him over and over again that I'd be OK. That I'd miss him and think of him daily and then some, but I'd be fine. I didn't want him to be afraid to leave me, struggling and incapable. And I am ok, mostly. I bush hogged the field. I've had great talks with my kids and parents. I got the plants in the greenhouse and usually remember to water them. The bills are getting paid on time. I haven't left the stove on (a big fear of his), or burned anything. OK, so nothing BIG has happened but I think God's kind of easing me (back) into a (somewhat) solitary life. At least that's what it feels like. I don't know why He is showing me this undeserved consideration, but He is and I'm grateful.
In some ways, I'm not really ready to praise God for taking Capt, other than he is released from the physical hardships he was suffering. It took a good while for me to feel that way after Himself passed away. Eventually I recognized the tremendous gift that was for Himself. In an objective way, I can see that for Capt. But in a selfish way...I'm still not very happy about it. I know that God takes every situation and circumstance, and works it out in a way that will glorify Him and be the best thing for me. (read all of Romans 8), but just like a little kid having to learn that about a parent's discipline, it takes a while to really assimilate that.
Anyway....there we are. Hanging onto the promises of God, for today. I'll worry about tomorrow later, for tomorrow is another day (hat tip to Scarlett O'Hara)
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
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