Grief is physical. The pain manifests, in me, as a weakness, dizziness, that "Oh wow I need to sit down before I fall down" sort of sensation. I lose my appetite (people keep shoving food at me and I just want to drink tea and turn my mind off!)
Like everything, grief is a season. Unlike Winter, we can't really determine how long it will last. I think it's probably a permanent thing. We just get used to it, learn how to manage the boat, so to speak. Learn The New Normal.
I think as widows, we fear that we will forget our beloved(s). (Dear Lord...I am carrying grief for two men. No wonder I feel so weak right now). They will never be forgotten. Even being married to Capt, and the adventurous life we led, I never forgot Himself. He was always in my mind and part of my heart. I felt him. I feel Capt. He will always be there. I dream of Himself. I dream of Capt.....actually I kind of expect Capt to come trudging out here to the porch right now, grumbling that I get up too early.
Right now it's too soon to be packing Capt's stuff up. I've given my sons his Hawaiian shirts, and it will make me smile to see them wearing those things. He did love his bright colors and loud patterns. When a friend comes to visit I'll get her help with the rest of it. There will be a short stocky man somewhere who will be blessed by those clothes.
All the rest of it...his tools, boat, fishing tackle...no rush yet. It was the same with Himself. I needed his stuff around to comfort me. To provide a sense of normalcy when my world had been flipped on it's head and smacked with a 2x4.
But think about this...We have a God who knows how that feels. His son died a nasty death. He knew it was going to happen but He still endured the pain. Jesus endured the pain of the death of Lazarus.
"Because he loves me" says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges My name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver and honor him." Psalm 91:14-15
I held on tight to this verse as Capt laid struggling in his hospital bed, He acknowledged God frequently and often. He would be angry with God at times, and wasn't afraid to show it. He loved God and wasn't afraid to show it. He would recognize the miracles and praised God loudly for them. He'd ask God "What are You DOING??" when something went sideways. And he always, always wanted to go Home.
He made it! And I am immensely happy for him! I'm just...whoof. My world's gone sideways and here I am, having to figure out What Next when all I wanted was to get old with someone and sit in rocking chairs on the front porch. I guess that's not what God has planned for me. I'll figure it out. Just not right now. and that's ok.
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