One of the biggest blessings God has given me is the ability and desire to write. He also made it so I don't have the attention span to write...y'know...BOOKS. Nope, I like short stuff. What am I going to say today? I have an hour....what can I say in an hour? I also don't really care that much what other people think about it. I have an audience of one that really matters. I put things in words so I can organize my thoughts and be able to go on.
Today, because God works in small ways as well as on a planetary scale, I sat down on the front porch with my hot coffee and blanket, and opened up a random devotional. I like random. How very UnPresbyterian of me but whatever. And of course, because God is a God of little things, today's was about grief. I can go a couple of years without hitting on a grief thing then of course, 2 days after the death of my husband when everything's starting to hit me, it's "Here ya go, Peg, I think you might need this today." Ok, thanks God, You know me better than I do.
And it was all the good comforting stuff. Was he a Believer? Yes? Fabulous! He is perfected and permanently away from all the garbage that plagues us on this Earth. And me? I'll be OK! Yes! I'm going to cry because I miss him and my life just took a 90 degree sideways lurch and here we go again and now what happens and I HATE that.
But it's not my circus here. I'm not the ringmaster. I'm one of the clowns. Probably the one who keeps tripping over her big feet and falling face-first into the elephant poop. But that's ok. I guess. It's all part of Big Plan. I'll recover, wash up, and carry on.
So I was thinking. One of the ways I've managed throughout life was to understand that God has His ways. He takes all the things and weaves them into the tapestry of History to make a glorious picture of His immense plan. We are threads in a tiny spot on that tapestry. How can we possibly know what the end design looks like? One day we will. My Capt knows. Himself knows. (if you don't know who Himself is...he's my first late husband.) Right now it's my time to simply trust that God knows what He's doing.
The thing is, all my life, shit has happened. Ugly stuff, mostly of my own doing because I'm stupid like that. Some things weren't, but most were. I know that. God knows that. And yet, He has used those things and turned them into sparkling little gold threads in that tapestry. The thought that keeps me from despair, especially when I think "this is my fault", is the knowledge that God will use this event for His glory and my good.
Romans 8:20-30 reads For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. (NIV)
What a comfort, eh? He's got this. He knows what He's doing. He's had it all worked out all along. The ONLY thing that has changed in this is my perception of it. I had plans, so did He. Mine turned out to be different from His but since He's the Master of Everything and I'm just a clown, He's the Decision Maker. (I have no idea why this suddenly double spaced. Whatever.)
So now what? I don't know. I get through today. I have a list of things, only a couple of them are important and none of them are vitally so.
Oh! This is cool! Capt wanted Amazing Grace played by a bagpiper at his funeral because he loves a dramatic moment. (I know, I have a past and a present tense in the same sentence. That's what happens with grief like this. You know he's not here but actually he still is even though you know he's not because kinda he is) AND...I found a bagpiper who can do it. The internet can actually be a very useful thing, in the right hands. I love it when things fall into place. Thanks, God! You're the BEST! (and not just because of bagpipers, but everything else too)
Y'all have a good day, and hug a loved one long and tight.
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