I feel like I'm back on that terrible carnival ride I was shoved on February 23, 2017. Do you know about that one? That was the day my husband of 28-1/2 years had a heart attack. He died the next day. Only this time the ride is longer and hasn't finished yet. I don't know how it's going to end. Will it gradually slow down and we can step off gracefully, or will I be flung into the unknown like I was last time?
Long story short...Capt's been feel progressively crappier since December 2021. He has gotten weaker, more tired, can't eat much more than fruit or yogurt, nauseous a lot. We've been to many Drs. Had many tests. Nothing was found. Then, on the evening of October 1, he threw up blood. Twice. First time he refused to go to the ER. Second time I threatened an ambulance and he went. We got there at 7 pm-ish. They took him back immediately (when does that happen?) and by 2 am he was in ICU with 3 IV's going full blast trying to get his blood pressure up. He was in acute kidney and liver failure because he was septic. Like oh dear God...how will he survive all that?
After about 6 hours in ICU they wanted to intubate because he was having trouble breathing. He said "wait..." and crawled out of the bed (with a hundred tubes all over) to get on his knees and pray.
Anyway, now it's October 6. He's still in ICU. He's still intubated. He had been heavily sedated (thus completely conked out) but they are reducing that and he can respond with nods and hand squeezes even though his eyes are shut. The sepsis is responding well to antibiotics. It's a klebsiella infection which is nasty. The dialysis is helping with other stuff but his kidneys are bad, and they won't tell me anything about his liver yet.
So, it's a different carnival ride than the short and hairy one in 2017. I don't know how long it will last. No clue. I'm not sure how it will end. No clue. I don't know what my responsibilities will be in the future. No clue. I'm a blindfolded monkey in a bamboo forest full of mousetraps and punji pits. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm lonesome. Food tastes like sawdust.
I never thought I'd say it but...I read too much. I am usually comforted by knowledge. It's a handle. This time, notsomuch. Hepatorenal (liver/kidney) failure has a poor prognosis. Throw in klebsiella sepsis and ooh...I asked the nurses at the ICU...how many people in his condition walk out of the hospital? (sad look) Not many. I didn't think so. His nephrologist told me this...He said "If it's God's will that he lives, he has a 100% chance of surviving. Therefore we will do absolutely everything we can, and if he doesn't survive, you will not have to feel any guilt that you didn't do enough because it was his time to go to God." This doctor spent over an hour with me, explaining all the chemistry and physiology of what was happening in Capt's body. He understood I NEEDED the information. And while it all scares me, it also allows me to really understand WHY of everything. And how it all came about. I won't go into it.
I know God has a plan in this. He always does. He is one step ahead of me and knows what He's doing. I have to trust Him implicitly. I have to trust that He will guide me through this maze.
I am at peace with the situation. Mostly. I am taking it one day at a time and not considering the what-if's of tomorrow. Today, so far (it's 3:39 pm) he is doing ok. And that's enough.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. – Psalm 16:9-11
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