If healing and coping and procrastinating and saying to oneself "screw it. I'm not doing anything today because I don't want to" is what's in order, then that's what's in order. I earned this. I smiled at people yesterday. It was exhausting. The only thing I can't have at the moment is food delivered. We live too far out in the nowhere for delivery. That's ok. There's tons of stuff in the freezer and I'm not hungry anyway. The boys can eat it all.
There's 2 of them here. The third one lives locally and he's at work. The eldest lives on an island off the coast of Georgia and I know he loves me. I think if they were all here it would be overwhelming and the Mom would kick in. And I don't want that right now. I need tea and contemplation, reading and soft music.
There's a lot of cleaning up to do. Nothing critical. If Capt's parents showed up unexpectedly (something they would NEVER do), his mom would take one look at the mess of my house and say something along the lines of "Of course it is. You have had a lot on your plate and we didn't come to see your house anyway." So I am choosing not to care. I'm drinking hot tea and reading.
Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, He said to them, "Come with Me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."
Mark 6:31
There are things right now for which I am immensely grateful. The opportunity to rest and recuperate. Family and friends who check on me. All that stuff in the freezer I fixed up over the last couple of months and I don't even know why. (I guess I do now). Scripture that comforts.
What a wonderful thing that is, those verses that show me how eternal God is. He isn't a God of only the past. He is very present here and now. He's eternal. Someone told me once that God doesn't have a past, present, or future. With Him, it is all NOW. And it all matters to Him, NOW. Our pain, joy, mistakes, forgiveness...it's all NOW. He knows it, understands it, shares in it, helps us carry it. The love He has for us is complete, and something we can't comprehend. I don't even try. I just know that it's there, and I've seen enough miracles to know it's real and tangible. (that sentence feels very awkward...) By taking Capt Home, he got what he's been wanting for months now...to go Home.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:37-39
Sure, I am sad and I will miss him and every little thing I see, his reading glasses, those darn Crocs, the huge containers of Old Bay seasoning, stacks of fishing magazines, all make me feel like he's fixing to walk in the room and ask where his (insert color) shirt is. (probably in the dryer. I'm not the best at getting the clothes out right away). Every day I will see a reminder of Capt. I see reminders of Himself and it's been nearly 8 years since he departed us. It's OK. They are both embedded in my heart. And I'm good with that.
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