8 years on

 On this day, February 23, 8 years ago (2015) I was alternating between my husband's (Himself) ICU bed and the waiting room filled with friends and church members. He'd had a massive heart attack, 100% blockage of one of the main arteries in his heart, and I'd been told *IF* he survives, he'd have been deprived of oxygen to his brain for so long he'd be a vegetable. Not quite fully brain dead, but no cognitive function. They were, as expected, doing what they could to keep him going, probably out of respect for me and my need to accept what had happened. It took me about 24 hours to really wrap my mind around it all, and when I was told the medicines weren't working anymore and probably should accept the inevitable, I did. After they turned off the machines keeping him alive, it took about a minute and it was over. In reality, I think it was over about 10 minutes after he'd had the heart attack the day before and his body was kept going but *HE* wasn't there anymore. I hope not, anyway. 

June 2014, 7 months before he passed away

And thus was the ignominious end of a 30 year relationship. The following few days were marked with confusion, a flurry of activity preparing a funeral, anger at everyone and everything, and a complete inability to realize just what had actually happened. Himself traveled a lot for work and honestly it just felt like he was off on an extended trip. It took a solid 6 months for my heart to catch up with my mind and accept that no, he wasn't coming back. Those months saw many attorney meetings, paperwork, consolations from friends who stepped in and kept me from feeling too sorry for myself. I learned how to do things on my own, without consulting someone else's opinion. It had been a very long time since that had happened and, while I was rusty at it, managed well enough.

I lost a lot of weight....about 50 pounds...because eating was problematic. I didn't want to. Everything, for that initial 6 months, tasted like sawdust and hunger pangs were satisfied well enough with a glass of water or a cup of coffee. One friend recognized what was happening and stocked my fridge with bottled smoothies. Easy food for someone with no motivation to cook. I certainly had 50 extra pounds worth losing, and people who didn't know what had happened complimented me and asked how I'd done it. When I said "I didn't eat for 6 months" and they asked why, their response to my answer was universally "Oh...." 

Losing their father was hard on our kids. It saw them enter into their own versions of tailspins and even now, 8 years later, they're just starting to get their equilibrium. I'm proud of them, they're finding their feet now and learning to manage the loss.

After meeting Capt, I saw my life entering yet another new chapter. It was a rather short one, just one week shy of 5 years. That loss caused the grief of losing Himself to reintroduce itself in a loud way, with once again the gasping for air and nausea and complete loss of appetite. There's no extra 50 pounds to lose this time, so I have been forcing myself to eat and only lost 5 pounds (that was plenty...pants are loose but not falling off this time, and I despise shopping for clothes so didn't want to have to do that all over again). Once again, little things set me off to crying. Just thinking about either of them will do it. Remembering a trip made, or a plan for the future that won't happen, or an evening alone and no one with whom to discuss plans, those small moments will cause waterworks and embarrassment even though I am the only one (other than the small silly dog, and he's sympathy personif...I mean...caninified) in the house. 

I have some friends here now who Get It. Several of them have also lost husbands and it is so comforting to be with someone who isn't shocked by sudden unexplained tears, or has a word of advice on whether or not to take a specific trip. 

Anyway, today is a sad anniversary, but also kind of a happy one because Himself is perfected and waiting for us to join him.  I've always said, both with Himself and Capt, that it's never good-bye for a Believer. It's see you later. That is a comfort beyond words for me.

In the mean time, I eat expensive ice cream straight from the carton. Watch ER as much as I want, and decorate the back porch the way I like. 

Dream a little dream for me

 Capt's beautiful fishing boat will be going down to Mobile this weekend. A friend down there has offered to sell it for me. Since he's in the business of boats (He modifies/fancies up/customizes them ,and did so with Capt's), he's in a good position to sell it. This boat was a lifelong dream for Capt. Since he was 12, he wanted to run a fly-fishing charter on the coast. Until we met, he really didn't think it would happen. I encouraged him, pushed him, and helped him make it happen. Then he got sick. Long-Covid, etc. The boat sat in the driveway, the fishing gear sat in the office. I kept telling him he'd get better, and the dream would happen, just right now...it's not. Now though...I imagine him fly-fishing in Heaven, bare feet dug into the sand, or maybe in a boat just like this one, standing on the platform, poling through a salt marsh, looking for redfish tailing. But this boat sat in the driveway and every time I see it I think of a dream unrealized. Now, though, maybe it will become someone else's dream boat. I hope so. It is a thing of beauty, that boat. Every bell, whistle, and accessory you could want. Comfortable, too. And it makes me sad to see it, sad to think of it leaving, but I will also be glad it's gone somewhere else. Maybe someone else's dream will be realized. 

This house I am in here in East Alabama, it is a dream Himself had, that we would have a small house on this piece of land, comfortable with everything we want and nothing we don't need. Enough land the grandkid(s....eventually, hopefully) can play around and have woods to walk through the same way he and I did when we were kids. We talked about a floor plan, way back in the day, and that is the floor plan I have now. After he died, I knew exactly the house to build, because we had discussed it for years. A dream partially realized, but without Himself's hand to hold while sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch. I'd rather have the hand to hold, but that's not an option anymore.

Capt had a dream of traveling the world with me. He told me, the week before he died, to travel. "Put stamps in your passport. Go see Europe, Greece, Israel". I'm starting to do that, making the plans. I'd rather do it with him, but that's not an option anymore. 

I know God has this all worked out. He's smart that way. He's always had it worked out. The only thing that has changed is my perception. My job is to trust that He knows what He's doing and since He's never let me down or gone back on a promise, I know I can trust that it will all work out. I can't deny that it hurts sometimes. I wish His promise included growing old with someone I was young with. Or even middle aged with. At this point I am unsure of any of that. I'm learning to trust His judgement about my life, His plan, but it's not easy.

God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it? Numbers 23:19

Slammed

 One of the typical ways grief happens (and I know there's a more elegant way to say that, but I can't remember it right now), is in waves. At first, they're constant and overwhelming, over and over and over again and you can't catch your breath or think. Gradually, as time passes, the waves are less intense, further apart, and even there's calm spots between them. That's how it's been. I've breathed, gotten some things done, thought about the past without feeling like I wanted to crawl in a cave or throw  up. 

That said, there are things called "rogue waves"...if you're on a boat, a rogue wave can come along out of nowhere and upset the whole thing. Same with grief. I've been rocking along, doing "well", getting some things done and learning Spanish. But the past few days...ooh boy. Rogue Wave. 

And the heck of it is, being a Double Widow, the grief of my most recent loss has reactivated the grief from losing Himself so I get to have Grief Squared. Talk about messed up. My emotional equilibrium is all a-kilter and I've been going from feeling stunned (same as the first few days right after both Himself and Capt passed away) to wanting to crawl in a cave and throw up. Food....gross. Get it away from me. Sleep...yes please. And lots of it. Please, ANYTHING to get my mind into another direction. I know it will pass, and I'm being patient about it.

I just want to try to explain it. 

I know God knows what's going on. He knows grief far more than anyone of us can imagine. I know that, and it makes it possible to talk to Him about it. But there's still dumb little things that will set me off. Finding a bottle of cocktail sauce. Capt loved steamed shrimp and cocktail sauce. Catching a whiff of smoke from a good cigar. Himself loved a good cigar now and then and I got to approve which ones. Daffodils, Himself's favorite flowers, are blooming now. So. Many. Things. Even right now, putting it all down in words, is making me get chokey. 

I want to play a pity party...but c'mon. That's silly. Lots of people go through things. I'm not special. But I miss them both. So much. 

Stream-of-consciousness

 Yeah, it's been a couple of weeks. I've been busy. I like being busy. Dad and I got the pantry redone- new shelves, different layout. This house has 10 foot ceilings so I wanted to have the shelves go all the way up to provide storage for the rarely used stuff like the pressure canner, etc. Now it's off the porch and I can make the porch into a real place and not a storage place. Theoretically. We'll see if it stays that way.

Anyway, yesterday was Valentine's Day. Lots of love flying around. I went to the grocery store and there were men all over the place, buying flowers and choosing cards. The wine section was full of them too. I wondered if I should feel sad because I wasn't getting flowers, cards, or wine, but realized that was silly. I wasn't sad at all because

I am immensely privileged. Enormously so. In the last almost 40 years, I've had 2 men who loved me more than I ever loved myself. They made me feel like a Queen, spoiled me silly, and loved me thoroughly. Why on earth would I feel sad? It was a privilege! Of course I miss them both. I know if Himself hadn't passed on, I would never have met Capt, but that wasn't the grand plan. He did, and I did. Being loved by 2 men is more than anyone could hope for. I know I was blessed! 

So after asking myself if I was sad about all the flowers and cards and wine, and none of it for me, I realized that NO I WAS NOT. I was happy with having had such a life. Both times, the relationships had their joys, struggles, ups and downs. Both times I learned a lot from them and am a better person for them. God knew what He was doing. He still does. My job is to realize that and carry on. And so I am.

Now, I'm planting a garden, picking daffodils, and letting the dog on the couch. My life is shaping up quite differently from how it was. I'm cooking dinner for my parents 4-5 nights a week. I love to cook and doing it for 1 is awkward and silly. So being able to cook for them, and they'll eat anything I fix, is great fun. I have breakfast with friends once a week, attend things every Tuesday, dinner with my son once a week, and have something happening nearly every weekend. My life is full and as busy as I want it to be. 

What has been interesting, is how grieving for Capt has led to grieving for Himself as well. Kind of like everything has clicked back on. I'm doing a lot of reminiscing, looking at photo albums, unpacking memories. There's so much to think about. I am doing a lot of reading about saying goodbye, getting my act together, relating to God in this way and that. Learning stuff...busy times. Occasionally a bit overwhelming but mostly making for a full day. I'll admit to taking a day off now and then, and binge-watching something inconsequential, just to be able to turn off my mind for a while. 

Anyway, that's why I haven't written in a couple of weeks. I'm here and alive.