When I woke up this morning I thought "hm It's December and all the stuff will be full force. Christmas music (which I used to love but now...hm.) everywhere I turn.
Have you ever noticed how Christmas music insists you be HAAAPPYYYY all the time!
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Jingle Bells (Batman smells, Robin laid an egg...that always goes through my mind)
Pick a song, it tells you that you're supposed to be all smiles and bubbles and excited about all the things like snow and eggnog and parties and mess.
I think I'll keep the "radio" (actually, because I'm up on Contemporary Ways, it's XM through the satellite TV because I live out in the boondocks and don't have normal ways) on some instrumental channel run by a Buddhist. If I want a Christmas song I'll hum it to myself.
When you've lost a beloved, whether it's a spouse, a child, a parent, Christmas is TOUGH. Especially that first one. After Himself died, I didn't do Christmas at all. No gifts given, and I didn't want any. I fixed a big meal and called it a day. I used to make the house look like Christmas elves threw up in it. Not a room was left untouched. But the several years after losing Himself....nope. I did get around to putting up a tree a couple of years later but I couldn't bring myself to putting on all the ornaments we'd collected in our travels. Just lights. That was it.
Eventually I restarted with the ornament collection. After I met Capt, I told him what I liked doing and he thought it was a grand idea. So now I have another set to set aside for a while. I am sure eventually I'll feel like putting up a tree and getting out all those small reminders of fun times. But not this year. And that's ok. I've made cookies to give as gifts, and got small things to give to my sons. I'm ok with that.
I don't think the world should stop just because mine got knocked sideways (AGAIN). I remember thinking, right after both of them died, that it was kind of rude for everything to keep on going as usual for the rest of the world. Couldn't they FEEL the earthquake? Why are they still breathing, eating, and able to carry on a conversation?? But I know how I am when someone else loses a beloved. My world keeps moving. The difference now is that I really KNOW what they're dealing with, and honestly it brings me to tears, to KNOW how they're hurting and what it feels like. I can honestly pray for their comfort, because I KNOW they need that.
But right now, Christmas is hard. It just IS. Can't nothin' help that except to grin and bear it. I'm keeping to as normal a routine as possible. Wake up, drink coffee, write. Lather, rinse, repeat. Let the dog out, let the dog back in. Pray for people on my list. Ask God for help through the day. Lather, rinse, repeat. The sameness of the days mean I don't have to think about it too hard. There's a lot that needs doing and I just CAN'T right now. Capt's office...the door stays shut. I'll get to it eventually but not today. The carport. I close my eyes and hurry past. I'll get to it eventually. Not today. No one will suffer if I don't get all those things done. (what the heck am I supposed to do with 1000 fly fishing lures? I don't even know.)
For now, I'll meditate on the miracle of Christ's birth and everything that means to the whole world. It's easier than listening to chronically cheerful music.
For God so loved the world, He gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16
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