Alone but not alone.

Mornings are rough. They just are. I am an early riser, around 5:30am. I wake up around 4:30 but can't bring myself to act like an Amish Dairy Farmer so I lay there until the coffee maker lets me know it's finished with it's O So Vital work, and I can pour a cup without delay. Capt said I was addicted. He was right but it also means I don't growl at anyone (especially him, I was quick to point out) first thing. But first thing in the morning also means dealing with back pain (whatever, there's worse things), and the only one to whine to is a dog who just glares at me for getting him up. If I'm up then so is he. He's a dog. I'm the boss. That's all there is to it. 

There's 2 times a day that are particularly lonely...first thing, and last thing. Himself worked a lot so I was accustomed to days on my own, or filled with child-related tasks. Mornings and nights had a person with me. Capt was retired so I had all day with him, with the exception of the days he was teaching (scuba diving). That last year he was unable to teach so was always here. Then WHOOSH. Gone. My companionship now is in the form of a 12 year old dachshund and a giant pile of books. All I need now is a mob-cap and a cane to shake at strangers and I'll be a widow from an Elizabeth Gaskell novel. Ugh. 

See? Like this...

...have you ever watched Cranford? Amazing short series about a village full of meddlesome widows...wry and funny

This morning it hit me slightly harder than previous mornings...the solitude. I was making a list of chores, getting ready for a visit from my brother and the fancy-pants meal I'm sure will be concocted...that always happens. We are, shall we say, fairly competitive in the kitchen. He said he was bringing a pile of Artisan Veg from his local Farmer's Market, and I went into overdrive thinking of ways to craft a delicious meal, knowing full well he probably already has something in mind. 

But making that chore list, and knowing there wasn't anyone else to interject, or tell me "your list is too long, take off (this and that)" and then my stomach grumbled and there wasn't anyone to tell me to get some breakfast...which I know sounds strange but I don't feel like eating much and would rather just drink a glass of water. Meals aren't any fun when there's no one to share.

Dangit I dislike being on my own. I have been daily asking God to walk next to me, and I know He is. I don't ask for anything for tomorrow, really, because today is what's here and when I need some help. Something about tomorrow taking care of itself. 

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.  Matthew 6:34

So, one more time, I'm going to grit my teeth and smile, thank God for another day, and plow ahead. I'll keep on talking to Him, because He's there, here, everywhere.