Sunsets

 

i have this electronic picture frame screen-thing that I can load photos onto, and it puts the image up in a rotation. Right now, it has sunsets. I love sunsets. But right now, seeing these pictures is (just like most things) making me sad. The pictures were all taken on trips Capt and I made. most of the images are from dive trips out into the Gulf. Fun times, and I was just learning to dive. 

As usual, I started thinking too much. Recalling those trips lead me down the Memory Lane, and I started thinking about trips made with Himself as well. Route 66 in the convertible. yes, we did that. Some of it, anyway. That 3 day weekend into the North Georgia mountains, and as soon as we pulled up to the cabin it started to snow. That was pretty magical. Raising 4 kids together. Meals around the dinner table. We had rules for those...no fussing, no talk about video games. Himself and I weren't allowed to chastise, because we wanted the time around the dinner table to be a safe place to talk about anything, without fear.

Then the trips with Capt. The time he took me to Key West and introduced me to stone crab claws, genuine honest-to-real Key Lime pie, the walks through the town, holding hands and enjoying each other. Getting me to take diving lessons, then underwater, holding onto his arm as we glided along, pointing out tiny interesting things. Working on building the greenhouse, the raised garden beds, planting 36 rose bushes across the front of the house, a palm tree. Driving all the way to Charleston to get a giant bag of oyster shells for landscaping. 

Who am I supposed to share these memories with now? Who, when I'm 70, am I going to talk to, sitting on the front porch drinking coffee in the morning?  

I know. I'm not the first person to ever lose a beloved. People gather their wits and move on. As will I. But, I just wanted someone with whom I could share memories, who could see the things I saw and understand them. 

It's like having a big hole there now, and it really sucks. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being just fine then getting swatted sideways with a wave of grief.

But, I love the sunsets. God makes them beautiful. The sun has set on 2 relationships, and I'm working on coming to terms with it. I'm not bitter about it, just...y'know. Sad.