Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'm going to do my best. It is when Capt's family has their reunion, and some 50-ish (or so, I think) people will get together and catch up on the previous year. I saw a bunch of them at his funeral service, but didn't have much of a chance to visit, as, well...you know. I wasn't really in the mood.   Anyway, tomorrow morning some time I'll make the 2 hour drive South, with a crockpot full of collard greens and a pecan pie, and a bottle of xanax in my purse. I know I'll get emotional without some sort of pharmaceutical help and I'd prefer to not do that, if at all possible. It's excusable at a funeral, even expected, but to be a slobbering blubbery mess at what's supposed to be a joyful and festive event would be a real downer. I won't do it and if I have to take a tranquilizer then I will. I ain't ashamed.

The first time I met The Whole Fam-Damily (as he'd put it) was Thanksgiving 2017. We were just starting to get serious about our relationship and he decided It Was Time. I was initially a little intimidated, but they're a friendly and welcoming crowd so that didn't last long. His mother in particular. I don't think I've ever met a warmer, more kind hearted person. Anyway. We went on Wednesday and stayed through Saturday, when the Biggest Game of the Season, The Iron Bowl, is played. That's when University of Alabama and Auburn University play and it is a SERIOUS rivalry. Capt's family all (except for Cousin Mike) went to University of Alabama. Mike went to Auburn but they don't talk about that. So did I. Went to Auburn, that is. There is a heavy-duty party that Saturday, with beer and snacks and 4 television sets and a radio, all broadcasting the game from a U of AL perspective. And well. That was one of the occasional years that Auburn won. Oops. 

Over the few years since, Capt and his family have been nice to me about it. Even his father, who takes the game far more seriously than most people. He got a little Auburn magnet to stick on the side of the Alabama Crimson Beer Fridge. I truly was honored and felt very loved by that. 

So anyway, tomorrow is a Holiday. Those are hard when you're grieving, especially the first couple of them after a beloved's passing away. I am still struggling a bit, and will for some time. It's ok, it's to be expected and I know that. I still haven't really gone into his office to take stock and figure out things. I just....can't. It's too daunting, too fraught with memories and spilling over with his personality. What do I do with his framed diplomas? The pictures of his beloved dogs, that I never knew? 

I was looking at some pictures today, of him when he was much younger...in his 20's and 30's, I didn't know him then, but I see his smile and stocky build. I imagine that's what he's going to look like in Heaven, healthy and smiling and handsome. While I miss him, so very much, I am thankful he's not sick anymore. He was frustrated, angry with life, depressed, and felt like he'd let me down. Now he's not. Thank God for that.  

I am truly, deeply thankful that I got 5 years with him, that I got 4 years of him healthy and vigorous and full of vitality.  I am beyond thankful that he's with Jesus, healthy and whole and perfected. I know he wasn't perfect here. Neither am I. No one is. I don't put him on a pedestal and pretend he was. But, I remember the good parts. His smile, his hugs, the way he cared about everyone, whether he liked them or not. 

Yes, I miss him, but I am also very, very Thankful.