It's called Kintsugi. A broken vessel is repaired with gold and becomes beautiful
Dealing with emotion is hard. If you aren't aware of this, I have bipolar disorder. Treated, yes, for the last 28 years, and I am diligent about it. Therefore the symptoms are far milder than they could be. That said, one of the effects of it is a deep mistrust of emotion. Is it legitimate or is it a symptom? I have to ask myself that every time I feel strongly about something.
Obviously, grief right now is very legitimate. I have every right to it. That said, I keep a habitual tight rein on it. I will not allow myself to be overwhelmed and incapacitated. I can't. Not just because emotion can be a runaway freight train if I allow it, but I was brought up in a family that is uncomfortable with extreme emotion of any sort. That's probably a good thing, in some ways, because it equipped me with the necessary tools for self control in the inevitable circumstances the disorder throws out. It's a bad thing in some ways because often I am unable to allow the emotions to happen at all, even when they're necessary and proper.
My first therapist described my problem thusly:
Imagine you're a teapot on the stove. The stove is turned on and your water starts to boil, but you're not going to allow the steam to escape in the appropriate way. Your spout is welded shut. So the lid starts to dance and let some out. You clamp down on it and weld it shut. That's when pressure builds up, seams start to split, and you explode. And then you're no good to anyone, especially not yourself.
An apt analogy. I've tried hard to allow the steam out in appropriate ways, especially lately. It's hard. Showing how I feel is scary. Crying in front of someone is REALLY awkward, even when it's expected, like at Capt's funeral. Even releasing that pressure at home, by myself, with no one around, is difficult. Someone might come to the door and catch me in a weak moment.
Being able to write it down has helped. I can let the words hold the steam for me. Words organize the thoughts. They take the steam and turn it into water, that can be held in a cup and recognized. That's why I do it. Not with an audience in mind, but simply to calm down and solidify disorganized pain into something that can be managed. My hope is that someone will see themselves in the words, and know they aren't alone in their trials. That would, at least, give a purpose to this.
Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2
I told CJ last night (he brought me some Chinese food, and we talked. He's a good listener) that God always has a purpose for what He does. Knowing that, I have a handle I can hold to, however weakly, within what happens. That handle is an antidote for despair.
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
Surgery is painful. Childbirth is painful. But the outcomes are generally something intentional. I MUST believe that the events of 2015 (Himself's death), 2018 (#3's horrific car accident) and now 2022, are a spiritual surgery, removing the disarray within my spirit and causing me to rely on God's provision rather than my own strength. The recovery is arduous, and often frustrating. And scary. I remember likening it to being in a curved tunnel, and I couldn't see what was around the bend. I just have to trust that God is in control of the situation, and proceed one step at a time.
I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up
O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
and you have healed me.
O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.
Psalm 30:1-3
Immediately prior to the bipolar disorder diagnosis, I was deeply depressed. I was in the bottom of a dark well, and could look up and see the top, but had no way to get there. God threw me a stout rope in the form of a Christian psychiatrist and the counselor who shared his practice. I was required to do the work of climbing it, but He gave me the strength to do it. He always does. I'm not in the well anymore.
Now it's that tunnel. It's dark, but I have a candle. I can see just the area around me, and God will keep it burning as long as I need it. I have a cloud of witnesses cheering me on, and that cloud has Capt, Himself, my grandmother and great aunt....all the people who know my situation and have loved me anyway. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I know it's there and I have what I need for today.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lost heart. Hebrews 12:1-3
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