I was thinking a lot yesterday. There was plenty of time for it. I also got to spend time with #'s 2 and 4. They live in Atlanta, and I took #4 home after him spending the weekend here, learning how to drive a manual transmission car (long story short: his car died the sort of death where it costs more to fix than it's worth, so he got another one, but it's a manual and before he can take it to Atlanta and it's traffic, he has to get proficient with it.) Since #2 lives nearish #4, I got to spend a bit of time with him, see his apartment, meet a roommate.
Anyway, all the driving and talking made me realize something. I've been taking care of other people for 40 years. Forty. Years. My first job out of high school was at a nursing home, where I took care of people. Then I got married, dropped out of college to work so my new husband could focus on his education. Then I started having kids and...of course...took care of them and Himself. Then Himself died, but 2 of my kids lived at home and I continued to care for them (often to their detriment...they were old enough to care for themselves but I didn't know anything else). Then I met Capt, and took care of him. He got sick, and I took care of him even more. When he died on Oct 8, 2022, I tried to make sure his parents and family were taken care of by deflecting their questions of "how are you?". I always answered "I'm fine, but how are YOU? Are you sure you're ok, is there anything I can do for you?"
I am very uncomfortable with people asking how I'm doing. I always answer "Oh I'm fine, how are YOU?" Even when I'm not fine at all. It's so much easier to turn the focus away from myself. That way I don't actually have to do that uncomfortable thing where I show weakness or need.
My sons pointed out that it's actually OK to have need or show weakness about something. That is NOT a part of my upbringing or thought processes. I simply do not know how to ask for help, or lean on other people. I just don't. It isn't done. One of the phrases of my upbringing is this:
"Keep your problems to yourself. No one is interested. They have their own problems."
On an objective level, I recognize that isn't particularly healthy. I have always internalized that, even to a level where I wouldn't ask God for help. He's too busy dealing with more important issues than me.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
Does that sound like Someone who's too busy to give me a hand?
I would do almost anything for my kids. God would do anything necessary for me, to the point of sacrificing His own son so I could know Him intimately.
For God so loved the world, that He gave His only son, so whoever believes in him will not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16
Does that sound like a God who is too busy to be interested in me?
I have a friend locally who, when he calls, laughs at me for my greeting. He always says "Hi, Peg, how are you doing?" and I answer with "I'm fine, how are you?" and he laughs, and points out that I'm deflecting. Well, he's right about that. It's so much easier to talk about someone else's problems than my own. I'll immediately jump into what I know is going on with him (or anyone else I'm talking to) to turn the focus away from me. I hate spotlights and I don't want anyone to see my problems.
I don't know WHY I am have difficulty with it. It's not that I'm trying to appear perfect. All you have to do is come into the chaos of my house and see that isn't true. My kids all have pointed out that I need to take care of myself, to quit trying to take care of everyone else all the time. To have some Fun of my own, figure out what, how, and where I am in my life. And they're right because I have spent so long basing the WHO on how I fit in with everyone else, and now that everyone else is capable of their own lives, I've got to figure out how I fit in on my own. Where is it God wants me? He put me in this situation, and I've got to be open to His will moving forward. That's a scary thought.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you to profit, who leads you in the way you should go. Isaiah 48:17
I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself, that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps. Jeremiah 10:23
There's a LOT that God has to say about that, trusting Him and His will.
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