Anxiety and decision-making

I said it there in the title. I have anxiety. Sometimes (frequently) I want help making decisions. I'm so afraid (there, I said that as well) of making the wrong decision on my own that I wind up making no decision at all, or deciding No, I won't do that. No, I won't buy that dress, make that trip, do that thing. Even when there's nothing wrong with getting a dress, making a trip, or doing the thing. 

What if I'm wrong? What if the trip is a disaster? What if I do the wrong thing? It is so much easier with shared responsibility. If WE made a trip and it wasn't as fun as we thought, I didn't feel particularly guilty, I could say "Oh well, it was just a trip and we'll be ok". 

This is a character quality, this anxiety of messing up, the timidity of taking a step, that I despise in myself. I am trying, really trying, to do the things. To allow myself a new dress, a trip, an evening out with friends, the dog on the couch, the carbs, the plans for bookshelves, all harmless fun that will have no ill effect on anyone but are things I wouldn't do without running past someone else for an opinion.  

 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

What a strange situation to be in. 36 years of running everything past someone else, and now I've got to make decisions sans input. I suppose it ought to be liberating, to some degree, but at the moment it is only anxiety-inducing. I know I'm not dumb. I can do this, and (hopefully) make fairly wise and informed decisions. But there's a small annoying creature on my left shoulder, whispering "what if you get it wrong? You might get it wrong." into my ear. 

I'm reading a book right now about the Holy Spirit, and how it's always there as a guide, always present, always working. My job is to be receptive to the guidance. I'm trying! I excel at ignoring the Holy Spirit pokes. I'm working on fixing that. Again, though, that left-shoulder irritation sows seeds of doubt. So there's a struggle that happens and my inner self decides the best thing to do amidst the struggle is...nothing. Bide my time. Read a book, do some laundry, and wait. I'm not sure that's the proper way to handle it, but at least I'm not doing the WRONG thing? Right? I don't know!

In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:26-27

I think sometimes as a middle-aged adult, I'm supposed to have my act together. To have it all figured out and the path is clear. That's baloney. My path is clear as the Ogeechee River after a week of rain. Right now I'm filling my time with the small things, asking God constantly for an abundantly clear open door, perhaps even with a shove through it. My days start with "thank You for seeing me through the night" followed by "HELP!" 

My physical therapist (hand surgery) is also a recent widow. Today we talked a while about dealing with that anxiety. It was nice to have someone who GOT IT. "YES!" she said. "I have so much trouble making sure I'm making the right decision!" It was affirming, in a way, to know that my anxiety isn't unusual. Sharing the burden makes it easier. It just does.