What timetable?

 The past several days (weeks, really) have felt like a slow crawl through cold mud. Exhausting, messy, no fun. Even debilitating at times. The weather didn't help. There have been a scattered day here and there, when the sun was shining outside, and that lit me up inside, and things got done. Those days felt really good. 

It made me think hard about this whole process. I went through it The First Time (UGH) but had kind of forgotten about it, the slogging part. The fact is, there is no timetable. There's nothing that says 

Week One: this this and this.

Week Two: that that and that.

After One Month: blah blah

After 3 Months: More blah blah

Granted, there are logistical issues to deal with on a particular time frame. Probably ought to make sure an attorney is consulted, to deal with the will, or if there isn't a will. Probably need to make sure insurances and bank accounts, and stuff that had his name on it is dealt with. Probably should have a funeral or memorial service. Hopefully you know someone who can help you with all that logistic stuff. I had people The First Time (UGH) and consequently knew pretty much what to do The Second Time (UGH). 

But all that stuff aside, there's no time frame for when you should Get Over It. There's no rush, which is a good thing because you probably never will Get Over It. You just get used to it. It's that whole New Normal thing.

I am 3 months apart now, from Capt's passing on. Nearly 8 years from Himself's. There is not a single day that I don't remember Himself. Currently, not an hour without thinking of Capt. And now that they're both gone, I tend to think of them at the same time, with the same sort of wistful reminiscence. I have these pictures of them. One I took of Himself, about 6 months before he left. It's moody lighting, at night, on the patio. He's smoking a cigar, part of his evening ritual after a long day's work...a glass of bourbon and a cigar, slowly enjoyed on the patio. Another of Capt, on the beach, kind of squinting off into the distance, looking at the ocean. Both of them doing something that relaxed them, so I look at those pictures and see them looking content.

I know widows who met someone and began a relationship 6 months after their husbands died. I know some who never entered into a relationship afterwards. I know one who was not fond of her husband and is happier now that he's gone. I know some who loved him so much she felt guilty when she smiled. There's no template for being a widow. It is as individual as the person experiencing it. 

In both relationships there were ups and downs. You can't have 2 people sharing the same lives without that. I have chosen to deal with the loss by remembering the good parts, and knowing we made it through the bad ones. Both times, there was unresolved stuff, and I am sad about not being able to settle it now, but comforted knowing it doesn't matter anymore. Himself and Capt are happy now. They love where they're at and are released from the unresolved stuff, as will I be eventually. I can't hold onto the unresolved feelings and situations. Nothing would be accomplished by that, except my own bitterness and regret. 

So yeah, those weren't perfect and blissful relationships. Who's are? But they were committed relationships, involving people who were determined to make it work, willing to do the work, and loving the person who was working. That's how it's done. That sense of commitment doesn't end immediately upon the loss of one of the people. I still have work to do, and will keep doing it, because I feel like I owe it to them to become the person they saw (most of the time), just as they are finally able to be the people I knew they were, completed and fully perfected. 

So here I am, 3 months later. Still sad and missing Capt. And I'm ok with that.