Sunshine on my shoulders

 Writing is my therapy. It is a tool for organizing my thoughts, and for coping with all of them. When I am feeling overwhelmed, it is a way to contain the mess, put it in a metaphorical box, and allow that box to hold onto everything so I don't have to. Consequently, most of the writing probably comes across as "Oh poor me, I'm suffering and having a hard time" and that can be sort of....I don't know...problematic (maybe?) 

Because, honestly, I am not always having a hard time. I just don't write as much when things are going well. Re-reading what-all has been written in the last few months made me realize that. I need to write more about the good stuff, reinforce the positive emotions...and just now, that phrase "positive emotions" can be a little problematic. It implies "good" and "bad" and frankly, I am not sure there are "bad" emotions, necessarily. There are emotions, and those are responses to events. I could get all philosophical about them but I won't, except to say emotional responses to events are as normal and natural as breathing and sleeping. 

Lately I've been doing really well, thus the slow-down in the writing. On the cold and rainy days, I am gloomy and eat too much ice cream. On the bright and sunny days (like yesterday and today) I am smiling, listening to music, and getting stuff done. Through all of these days I have the immense luxury of being able to roll with it, listen to my moods, and be kinder to myself than I would "normally".

I am trying to be kinder to myself. All my life, my sense of worth has been based on my ability to be productive. The sweet truth of the matter is that my worth (nor yours) is not based on production numbers or energy output. It's based on the simple fact that we are God's children, created by Him and loved with a completeness that none of us can even comprehend. 

How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 36:7

I have no idea what my long-term purpose is. I don't really know WHY God has orchestrated my life in such a manner. I see friends who are (still) married to the person they met 37-odd years ago. I'm not envious of that, they have what God gave them, and I am thankful they aren't enduring the losses of those people.  I wouldn't wish this sort of mess on anyone. I know that God has His own reasons for the things He does and I've seen enough miracles just in my own immediate family to know He's got this, knows what He's doing, and is completely trustworthy.

The Rock! His work is perfect, For all His ways are just; A God of faithfulness and without injustice. Righteous and upright is He. Deuteronomy 32:4

My point is, that here and now, in the midst of grief, a modicum of uncertainty about the future, and the apparent mess of my life, I'm actually doing well. I haven't reached a point of contentment yet, but I'm getting there. I am satisfied that the circumstances of the changes are meant to be, and the results will be good. Some of them already are, with the release from the frustrations of life here for 2 people who were (and still are, really) most central to my life. Knowing that they're happier than humanly possible is a source of immense comfort and satisfaction. It makes me smile between the tears, and converts sorrow into something much gentler- a sadness of missing them, but a peace of knowing it's "see you later". 

*edited a bit later to say this...

All that stuff said, I still pout and get annoyed when I realize there isn't ever going to be a 25th Anniversary Celebration. No 50th Anniversary. I won't be like my grandparents and get a write-up in the paper on my 70th anniversary. I won't sit on the front porch in a rocking chair, holding Himself's hand as we watch great-grandchildren wrestle in the front yard. Capt and I won't get old together and make fun of each other for our wrinkly knees. It ain't happening. Eventually I'll quit pouting about it, feeling sorry for myself, all that. One day.