Ride that wave!

 I've been slammed lately, with those waves that are a natural part of the grief process. It's how it is. I'll be clicking along with life, doing the normal things and seeming to get things in order, then WHAM...a memory, a photograph, a small thing picked up in Key West that time we went in 2019...and suddenly I'm kind of breathless and have to sit down.

Sometimes I'll be watching TV, and a character will be dealing with a similar situation, a loved one dying in the hospital, or the confusion of loss, and WHAM...there's another hit. 

Sometimes I'm that guy, sometimes I'm the other one.

The strangest things will make me cry...a casserole I froze for those days we were busy and didn't have time to cook. A pair of socks. The smell of Safeguard soap. All the bits that made up the ordinary days that are in the past. Poof...Gone.

It's normal. Really it is. It happened after Himself died and since I didn't know what to expect, it would knock me down for hours or days. This time, I know to expect it, and it only knocks me down for hours or days. When that happens, I stop, sit down with a cup of tea, and allow it. Sometimes I'll get mad at Capt for leaving. Not that I blame him, where he's at now is infinitely better than here. I'd leave too, if given the option. Same with Himself. I'd get royally pissed at him, then get over it.

Sometimes the hardest part is remembering the normalcy of it. It's really easy to sink into a pity party and feel like I'm the only person this has ever happened to, but the plethora of books and podcasts and Scripture dealing with grief contradicts that silly notion. I remind myself that it's all apart of the Grand Plan for my life. There's something meant to come from it. Eventually. That doesn't necessarily cushion the blows when they happen, but it does help with the dizziness that comes after.  

So here's some stuff that helps:

 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Do yourself a favor. Go hug the person you love best. Tell them how grateful you are for them, even if you're irritated with something. You'll be glad you did.

I'm sitting here first thing in the morning, with coffee and the dog. I heard the local wren start yelling, and looked over to the front door. He (or she, I haven't asked) was staring through the door at me. Capt loved those 2 wrens. When they built a nest in the hanging basket right in front of his rocking chair, he carefully guarded it, even put the dumb chicks back in a couple of times a day, when they'd plop out onto the porch. Either they're looking for him or he's saying hi to me through them. I'll take the latter.

Sometimes I worry that the stuff I'm writing is coming across as a bid for pity or sympathy. It's not. I'm hoping that someone else who's going through this will read and realize they're not alone in the struggle. It's normal, probably even healthy. Grief is a form of love, and it's ok to feel it. It's a very lonely feeling, no doubt. But you're not alone in it. There's a nice place online called The Widow's Christian Place that I found after Himself passed on. It's comforting and encouraging. I recommend it.