Slammed again

A couple of days ago, Himself's (husband #1, who died in 2015) father passed away. It's hard on my boys, who were very close to him. I (and they) know he's gone to his Heavenly reward, and it's not "good-bye", but "see you later". What a tremendous comfort. Really it is. It has also recalled a lot of hard feelings for me- missing Himself, missing Capt. Being a double widow is not easy. In fact I'm feeling down right whiney about it. This too will pass, just like everything else. I know it's not good-bye, it's see you later for both of them. 

But (you knew that was coming), there's still stuff to deal with. I joined the choir at church, and looking out into the congregation there are many elderly couples, married for 50+ years and I wonder if they have any idea just how blessed they are. I wished for a 25th anniversary. While Himself and I were together for 30 years, on our 25th anniversary there was a massive crisis at work and all the plans I'd made had to be cancelled. He promised we'd do it on our 30th, but we only made it 28-1/2 years. Then I hoped for it with Capt. We would have been late 70's for a 25th, but that's doable, right? He passed away a week before the 5th anniversary of when we met. So, do you see why I'm feeling sorry for myself right now? 

Am I going to get the privilege of getting old with someone? It is a privilege, you know. Not a right. When people get married, whether it's young like Himself and I (I was 21, he was 22), the expectation is for 60-70 years together, grandkids and great grandkids, holding hands with each other on the front porch with family all around. That was a dream we both had. 

When Capt and I began our relationship, we were going to travel, see the world, do the things that didn't happen when we were both younger. Some of that was done, with trips to Honduras and St Croix, plans to go to Cozumel and possibly some work in Nicaragua. A couple of weeks before he died, he knew it was coming, and told me to travel when he was gone. I thought he was being morbid. I HAD PLANS.  

Apparently, so did God and they weren't the same as mine.

I tell myself getting mad at God for all this is silly. His plans aren't necessarily the same as mine but they're always good. He knows what he's doing, and has it all figured out. I am supposed to trust that, and I'm trying. 

But I have to admit that I'm still human. It still hurts, and doubly so because Capt's death brought back all the feelings of Himself's death and a huge part of me wants to scream IT'S NOT FAIR only with some choice words added in. 

I'm not special that I should not have to suffer now and then. God has done a LOT for me. He has taken care of my children even when they have tried as hard as they could to mess their lives up. He has seen to it I am well provided for, have friends, and everything I could want, except for the one thing I would really like.  However, I am sure there's a very good reason behind the (how do I say this)....noticeable lack of companionship. Perhaps He is protecting me from something. Maybe He has something planned beyond my imagining. I don't know. I'll go with the protection because I don't want to be all hopeful then disappointed. At any rate, I'm not going to push the issue. I am not going to go out and do the modern thing and get online to look for someone. I'm just...not.

I am changing my name back to what it was prior to Capt. It's my children's last name, and I kept my business in it, because paperwork and such was ridiculous for making a change. I have thought long and hard about it. I talked to a few people, worried that it would be considered disrespectful of him, then decided he's busy fishing with Peter and a few other apostles, probably telling them how to fly fish. He isn't worried about anything, especially his last name. So, there it is. 

In the mean time, while I am very busy feeling sorry for myself, I am going to have a glass or two of white wine and watch some Masterpiece Theater.  I have begun looking after myself without wondering what anyone else thinks of it. I hired a personal trainer and am paying him an exorbitant amount of money to get me fit (it's working!). I went to Spain with a friend. I watch PBS and have a glass or two of cheap white wine. I am living life as a single person now, but with many good memories. I'll be fine. It's how I do things.