Here I am again

I think grief makes me want to write. I'm not fooling myself into thinking anyone reads this, but it feels good to get stuff out of my head and onto "paper". Maybe one day I'll be very industrious and print it all out so even after the world collapses someone can read it and feel sorry for me. Or not.

Anyway, I was reading through past posts, going on to a year or two prior to Capt's passing. How clueless I was. I always am, you know, not being able to predict the future and all. I was also very careful about what I wrote. Capt was sensitive about his image, and didn't ever want to be seen with a critical eye. He had some real character flaws, but don't we all? Now I don't have to be so careful but I am not going to expose him, or Himself, or my children, to the critical eye of the world. There's no point.

As for me, I am not afraid of the critical eye of the world. I am probably far harder on myself than anyone else could be, because I am living inside my head and know everything going on in there.

Thank God for God, and redemption. He's the only other one who knows exactly what I'm thinking, planning, and all that. He knew what I was thinking when I was so angry at Capt, frustrated with my kids, and wishing I were anywhere else but here with a mind wiped clean by amnesia. Fortunately He doesn't work that way, but sometimes I sure wish He did. 

Now here I sit, on a Saturday morning with all the plans cancelled, a third cup of coffee, wondering what to do today. I think I'm just writing words down to get them out of my head, in no particular order and for no particular reason.

I have, as seen in the most recent writings, been dealing with the recurrance of Grief. It's a heavy load and the problem is that it's mostly borne alone. Sure, friends want to help but no, mostly a singular event.

I am weary of feeling sad. Missing Himself, missing Capt, mourning the loss of long term plans, feeling sorry for myself because there's no Grandpa to my Grandma, probably going to get old alone in the bed. You don't appreciate the sold feel of another body next to you, the safe feelings of knowing you're not alone if something happens, the comfort of having another opinion on a matter...there's an awful lot people take for granted. I guess if all this has taught something, it's been to appreciate relationships. 

I try to console myself with trivialities like not having to share pillows, pick up someone else's underwear, or coordinate with someone else's plans. I don't have to ask an opinion about dinner, choose anything based on someone else's preferences. I can go to a movie, whatever movie I want, whenever I want, and get the kind of popcorn I want. I can binge watch anything I want without anyone else's input or commentary. None of that really matters. I think I'd be willing to compromise those things, but I have also learned that looking for someone merely to have a warm solid body and safety isn't the way to do it.

You see, that's why I met Capt. I wanted and thought I needed another person to feel complete. I'd been half-of-a-whole for over 30 years and when Himself died, I lost half of myself. I jumped into a relationship with both feet and half a brain, and went all-in. Don't get me wrong, I loved Capt and the life (well, most of it. The last year wasn't so loveable) we made, but it was hard to learn how to live with someone so opinionated, especially since I was equally so. 

Now I am having, AGAIN, to learn how to live with myself, and I don't like it. BUT, I have also decided that this is where God wants me and it's my responsibility to accept that, and plow ahead.