Good Lord what is that THING....

 It was sometime in the 20-teens. I don't remember exactly when, I assume late Summer or Early Fall. Probably early Fall because I was at home alone. Anyway, for some reason I can't remember I was walking behind the storage shed in the backyard, when I happened up on an enormous and beautifully constructed, like PERFECTLY formed spider web...It was easily 3 feet in diameter. Right in the middle of this beautiful feat of engineering and natural art was a HUGE spider. I mean it was confusingly large.

"Oh!" I  thought. "A Spider of Unusual Size! And I have no idea what kind! Is it violent and poisonous? Will it leave it's lair with fangs dripping venom and blazing eyeballs and devour my dogs in their sleep?"  I knew it wasn't the normal yellow and black orb weaver that shows up every Fall. I love those. I call them my Ladies and move them gently if they build their webs in problematic spots.

I stared at the spider for several moments, waiting to see a reaction. It did not react. It did not care anything about me being there. Normally if I see a spider on a big web, I'll give a web leader a little tap to see it react, but not knowing anything about A Spider of Unusual Size, I (wisely, I believe) chose not to do this. I took note of it's unusual (to me) characteristics, it's fat thorax and long hairy legs, and unusual (to me) coloring. "Pretty thing" I thought....but had no idea of it's personality.

So, because we live in the miraculous Age of the Internet, I looked it up. The search engine was told to find "Huge spider with spotted body and potentially nefarious intentions"  (ok maybe not that second part) I figured there was some university entomology department with information. I read that this was known as a Joro spider, sometimes as a Banana spider (Trichonephila clavata), an invasive species from the Far East. "Ok, so is it dangerous? Will it eat my dogs, cause a child's limb to wither and fall off? Does it have TREACHEROUS INTENTIONS?"

I read on, and learned it is a fairly peaceful, non-venomous arachnid that "will only bite if it's abdomen is squeezed."  WHO IN THE HOLYHECK FOUND THAT OUT??

So I thought about it. I know how these things work. My father was a professor who regularly had a couple of graduate students under his mentorship. Graduate students generally do the scut work of research. (They also tend to show up at the house at 5:30 pm, for trivial reasons, silently hoping for an invitation to dinner...but that's a story for another day)  I decided I knew just how the "it will only bite if it's abdomen is squeezed" conclusion came about.

Entomology Professor (EP): Hum....Here's a spider that is Scary Looking. I wonder if it's violent and aggressive, or what.  HEY GRADUATE STUDENT...COME HERE.

Graduate Student (GS): SIR YES SIR (or something)

EP: See that giant scary spider? Go figure out it's personality. Molest that thing until it bites you, then see if you die.

GS: (gulp) SIR YES SIR

GS returns an hour later, limbs and constitution intact.

EP:....and?

GS: SIR...it only bites if you squeeze it's abdomen.

So after that, I told my Brave and Reckless Sons that there was a huge in interesting spider in the back yard, to leave it alone because it may bite.