The Time: Late evening, after dark
The Date: Mid-Summer, early 2000's
The Place: The deck off the back of the house, East Alabama
So. Picture this...it was a solid, average, middle-class family spending a warm Summer evening on the back deck. The Family consists of parents in their late 30's, and 4 sons aged 15,13,12,and 4.
The Mother (that would be me) was doing something uninteresting and mother-like while everyone else was doing something...else. I don't even remember what.
While doing (whatever), The Mother (that would be me) noticed a movement on the brick wall of the house, next to the french doors that opened into the kitchen.
Now, understand that The Mother (that would be me) has an unreasonably strong adverse reaction to a certain type of bug common to the Deep South known as a Palmetto Bug. Palmetto Bugs are huge dark brown shiny greasy cockroach-type monsters with squinty eyes and nefarious intentions.
The aformentioned movement was a Palmetto Bug of Unusual Size...quite large for a bug that leans toward 2 inches long on an ordinary day, this one was easily the size of a casserole dis...ok maybe I exaggerate but it was big enough for my near-sighted self to see it from 20 feet away and I could tell right away that nasty creature had ill intentions toward me. It was squinting at me and waving it's forelegs in a menacing manner. I didn't trust it.
As I stood there, trying to decide if I should ignore it or point it out to someone stronger and braver than I, IT LEPT OFF THE WALL AND FLEW STRAIGHT AT ME
Then, as I froze in fright...
IT FLEW DOWN THE FRONT OF MY SHIRT AND INTO MY BRA.
My husband and children got to witness the world's fastest strip dance accompanied by a hypersonic shrieking and hyperventilating.
And yes. Palmetto bugs are giant flying cockroaches.
Once I quit flailing and realized my sons were looking at me with shock and amusement, I put my shirt back on and asked for a Beverage.
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